5 Reasons Why Wearing An Eye Patch Equals Instant Cool

What’s going on in your virtual pal Jimmy D’s head this weekend?
 
Something a little different than usual.
 
Because of today’s date, and my recent (only semi) serious “mediations” on a particular subject, I’m doing a “special” Monologue Monday…on Saturday.
 
What’s so special about the 20th of July you ask? (Well yeah, pretend you did! 😉 )

Not much for Americans anyway. But to History buffs, ze Germans (and perhaps really weird Tom Cruise fans 😉 ) July 20th is an important day indeed. It is the anniversary of the Valkyrie plot AKA ze German resistance plan to kill Hitler, that ultimately failed, but was led by a man named Colonel Claus Von Stauffenberg

Colonel Claus Von Stauffenberg

…AKA “The Cool Guy With The Eye Patch.”
 
 Is it any wonder that we remember that story here in the states because some dude was wearing an eye patch when he did…uhhh…whatever he did?
 
Heck no, of course not! B)
 
 Eye patches are just cool. Hell, in one of the story ideas I’m working on, the main protagonist is your standard ex-military Door-knocker ex-Army Ranger badass with a surly disposition, a penchant for farting in terribly tight spaces, and putting boogers on his enemies rather than killing them outright. But even with all this gross antisocial stuff on the guy’s resume, you’ll like him, I know you will.
 
Why? The dude lost an eye in battle, and thus wears an eye patch. Chicks dig an eye patch. 😉
 
Still don’t believe me that the eye patch is bulletproof cool? Here are five more excellent reasons… 
 
 
5. It Goes With Everything
 
Tux and Tails, T-Shirt and Jeans, Orange Jumpsuit and Muffbag, whatever the haute coture for the occasion, the patch is a match. 😉
 
 
4. Nobody EVER Got An Eye Patch By Being A Bed-Wetting Wussy
 
Soldier with eye patch
 
When you wear an eye patch is says a whole lot about you without saying a word.
 
It doesn’t matter if you lost that peeper in the midst of a whirling hell storm of death combat, or you shot the contents of your BB gun (or God-forbid, flesh balloon wad) just a little too fast.
 
The point is, you get the credit for having done your time anyway regardless of what you actually did. To the world, an eyepatcher is a man of  bold action…even when he’s not! 😛
 
3. Instant Conversation Piece
 
When you’re a member of the “eyepatcher club” you’re not like ordinary two-peepers.
 
They have to come prepared with all manner of dopey little knick-knacks it get a hottie date’s attention…
 
 (“Hey baby, wanna come take a leak with me in my brand new ergonomic Swedish bathroom toilet set from Ikea? Oh, the shirt? Yeah, I got this because I was the 500th zoo customer that year to get poo flung on me by their monkeys in the Ape House. It set a new Guinness record. Wanna makeout?” )
 
But you sir don’t need all that silly crap. Your conversation-starter is right in front of you. YOU KNOW what she’s gonna ask you about, so don’t be a puss; flip up that sexy pirate flap and let’er rip!
 
Just be sure she hasn’t eaten dinner yet. Yeaaaah.
 
Oh yeah, and SPEAKING of pirates there’s also…
 
 
…uhhhh….
 
 
2. Pirates
 
Who do boys always first want be when they grow up?
pirate cute eye patch
 
(Fiinnne, girls too! Jeez! lol)
 
Who was it that resurrected Johnny Dep’s career from the depths of the dep…err…DEEP? Who ALWAYS gets the most Halloween candy matey?
 
AAArrr right, Pirates!
 
When you wear an eyepatch, you look like a pirate 24/7. And who doesn’t want to look like a pirate 24/7? Or make love to one?
 
Hot Pirate Woman
 
I rest my case. On your face. 😀
 
(Oops, wait, that’s right, got one more, sorry. ;P )
 
1. All The Tough Guys In History (And Fiction) Wear’um

Must I give you the exhaustive history? (Because I will, damnit, if you make me! 😉 )

For starters Waterworld sucked. What’s it’s sole silver lining? Crazy villain with makeshift eye patch. (Okay yeah, that catamaran boat rules too, but still… 😉 lol )

Dennis Hopper waterworld eyepatch

When you think terrorist-killing, you think Israeli Defense Forces or Mossad. Who in part made the IDF and Mossad into badasses? Gen. Moshe Dayan AKA Bond-villain-looking-dude with eye patch.

Moshe Dayan eyepatch

What are the three things everybody remembers about Airwolf? The chopper, The Theme Song…

…dude with eye patch.

airwolf one eyed guy

Nick Fury.
 
nick fury eye patch

For super history buffs, remember Hannibal Barca?

(No?)  Okay, he’s the “Elephants over The Alps” guy, the dude that’s killed more Romans than anyone in history, right up there with Napoleon (no NOT Dynamite lol ) in tactical brilliance. When did he win all his famous battles?
 
Hannibal Elephants

Right, after he crossed a marsh in Italy, got bit IN THE EYE by nasty mosquito, got infected, went puss-blind, and had to wear eye patch. Goes on to annihilate 80,000 Roman skirted-boys at the Battle Of Cannae Behold the power of patch!

 

And, last but not least, the trump card of them all…
 
Snake Plissken
 

Need I say more?

No. No waaay.

Bottom line, clothes may make the man, but an eye patch makes your rep. B)
 
I’m out.
 
J. Devious, ESQ.
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