Inventing A New Urban Legend

What’s going on inside your old pal Jimmy D’s head for this Thursday?
 
Something creative for a change of pace…
 
Ok…well…uhhh…sorta…creative. 😉
 
After all, it’s Thoroughly Absurd Fanfiction Thursday!
 
I saw a little something recently about urban legends and an expert of urban legends. Apparently this “expert  dude’s” whole life is spent trying to track down the source of stories like “if you go hang out with the wrong broheim at a bar, you might end up in a tub of ice missing one of your kidneys.”
 
You know, typical Tuesday type stuff like that.
 
He also went on to discuss how an U-L might get itself started…so it occurred to me that…HEEEY I’m a writer, a storyteller, a creative person (and a little weird 😀 ) why don’t I take a crack at starting an urban legend or two??
 
It worked for “The Fry Tax” (YESSS, I AM the guy who started the concept of  friends fry-taxing that’s now sweeping the globe…though I have NO documentary evidence to prove it!! 😛 )
 
So…why not here?
 
Without further adieu, here are two (exactly TWO) “potential “U-L’s” that I’ve totally just come up with off the top of my head. You are free to use them and spread them around however you like. (And totally forget you heard’um here first!!)
 
Let’s see if we can’t get a new one going, and how far its utter absurdness can spread!! 🙂
 
 
Legend # 1:  “Bo Bot”
 
 
 
Bo Obama Robot
 
I heard this from a friend of a friend who works at the White House that President Obama’s dog Bo is not the “original” Bo…THE REAL Bo was accidentally served up to President Obama at a Christmas Party in December of 2011 under the entree’ label “Roast Duck’a’la’Ronge CamBOdian.”
 
That’s why Bo wasn’t seen in public for months…he was DEAD!!
 
Because of the President’s Hollywood connections, he was hooked up with an EXACT animatronic replacement for Bo at a moment’s notice, furnished to him by ILM and Jim Henson’s Creature Shop. That’s another reason why you never actually see the dog go potty in public either…IT CAN’T… it’s a robot!
 
 
Jim Henson dog
SEE?? Try and tell me Bo Obama is NOT a robot!! 😉
(Though, another friend of mine who is the sister of a boyfriend of a guy who works at ILM claims that when the “Bo-bot” lifts its leg to go peepee, they’ve worked in a bladder, but instead of filling it with a urine-like solution, it’s actually used for cappuccino. The Obamas LOOOVE their cappuccinos!
 
 
Legend # 2: “Tab, Tab, Tab….TAB OF THE DEVIIIILLLL!”
 
stewie griffin tab
 
Hey, do you remember that soda drink Tab that was really popular in the 1980’s??
 
Ever wonder why you don’t see it around anymore, even though they were still doing well?
 
Fear not friend, I KNOW the real truth! I heard it from a cousin of a dog owned by the sister-in-law of a wife of a guy who worked at the old bottling plant that made Tab.
 
Turns out, the cola chemist who invented Tab was a practicing occultist!! I’m sooo serious duuuuude!! He belonged to that…that same demon-worshiping “Church of Thelema” that the guy who founded JPL labs out in California was apart of!! You know, Jack Parsons…LOOK HIM UP!  CREEEEEPY GUUUY!!
 
Anyway, The Tab guy was always looking for help from demons in order to make the perfect “astral-energizing” soda pop…and he did it. Why else do you think you saw so many wealthy Yuppies back then drinking Tab?? They sold their souls to THE DEVIL with every sip!!
 
Word is, that the Christian Coalition eventually found out about it, so the parent company of Tab pulled the plug. But before it all ended, the chemist did ONE MORE satanic/occult ritual over the last batch of Tab to ever come off the line, imbuing every can of it with his own evil psychic energized soul and the powers of darkness. He then killed himself…by eating Pop Tarts in the bathtub. (Actually, he ate the Pop Tart first, then used the toaster he made them with to push into the tub..well…you know. 😉 )
 
It is said that if you ever find one of these last few remaining cans of Tab….DO NOT OPEN IT!!
 
Anyone who drinks from the last batch of Tab will experience stark EVIL changes to their personality at the very least, or at the worst, could instantly be consumed in a spontaneous burst of “magic hellfire” and then be face to face WITH THE DEVIL!!

LOL 🙂

One final bit of info…ever wonder what Tab actually stands for?? You’ll never believe this….”To Almighty Beelzebub.”
———
 
It’s right there in the name. I rest my case!! 
 
See? It’s easy as pie…a pie made from spinning around thirteen times in a darkened high school bathroom and running all the faucets, looking for THE DEVIL!! kind of pie!:P
 
Wanna create your own Urban Legend?? Why not share it in a comment here??
 
I’ll help you spread it around…if I like it!! 😀
 
The only man alive to wake up in a tub filled with ice and find he now had one kidney…and THREE testicles,
 
J. Devious, ESQ.
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