What’s going inside your buddy Jimmy D’s head this day?
*Cringes* you DON’T want to know…but you’re going to anyway because, well, you’re here now, you might as well.
And hey, guess what? It’s Throughly Absurd Fanfiction Thursday!!
This time, I thought with Super Bowl Sunday 2013 coming up, and with many recent cultural developments, I’d peer into the mystical future and ask, just what COULD the game look like in 50 years…
Prepare your souls boys and girls, prepare your souls!!
(God help us all if this prediction is right!! :P)
LIVE inside your brain by mandatory Federal regulation from Fairfax, VA
(As per the growth and success of the Federal Government, the entire wealthiest county in Virginia, stocked full of gov’ment workers, has become THE LARGEST, MOST populous and important incorporated city in the land, second only to Washington, in the state of DC. So all football championships must take place there.)
It’s The *GFL’s** “Super Sippy Cup” Game ***2063!!
*- The Generic Football League. The owners, with the approval of the President’s “Football Czar” formerly voted back in 2041 to change its name, as per polling which indicated that the term “National” was too “prideful, nationalistic, and inherently racist.
**- Changed from the “Super Bowl” back in 2053. It was thought that since most of the poorest people in the nation were fat slobs who only ate with their fingers anyway, that it would be too offensive a term for the “bowless majority.”
***- As of 2038, no one is smart enough (or cares enough) to bother with that Roman Numeral crap, so they’ve started calling the game after the year in which its takes place.
(formerly the Newport RI Puppies, the Englewood Stolen Colts, the Los Angeles Stolen Colts, and The Indianapolis Colts, after being FORCED by Presidential Executive Order in 2029 to change leagues, because SHE liked the NFC quote, “like WAAAY better!” )
Horrible Leader Of the UNFC
(AKA the UNisex Football Conference, formerly the NFC, name changed in 2042. Also you’re now NOT allowed to call anyone a “Champion” as per the 2019 Federal “No Winners and Losers Act.” Also calling it the NATIONAL Football conference was again, deemed to be too nationalistic. )
…are having a Playdate this year with the defending GFC Sippy Cup cup beneficiaries the…
(Formerly the Disney World Unicorns, the South Beach Unicorns, the Southside Chicago Stealers, the San Antonio Steelers, and Pittsburgh Steelers)
Despicable Over-Achiever of the OVFC
(AKA the Overrated Football Conference. Name had to be changed from the American Football Conference as per the United Nations General Resolution 57/84/Sub-section A3 of 2048, deeming that the USA change its name to the “Northern Hemispheric Union” as the term “America” is too “insensitive and offensive” to ever be used for anything again.)
Now let’s look at this future game briefly quarter by quarter….
After playing a game of hopscotch to determine who would get possession of the ball first, the Unicorns have their opening drive beginning on the 45 yard line. (As per federal regulations.) Unicorns Quarterback Ja’anquel’shen J’one’s throws a long high deep bomb pass with enough loft to it that while it is STILL up in the air, he is able to run through the Puppies defensive line and catch his OWN PASS… running it all the way back for a touchdown…which of course he passed to…himself.
J’on’es subsequently has a touchdown celebration by leaping into the stands and having a 30 second session of intercourse with one of the fine hotties in the crowd.
The extra point is automatically awarded to the Unicorns (as per instant live/online fan poll) because J’on’es just “scored” with a hottie.
And the crowd goes wild.
The Puppies next get the ball back starting on their own 45. Despite an excellently executed “Running Away from Bees like a Goofy Moron” play, the Puppies are forced on the next play to go 2-and-out and punt.
(Back in 2046 the GFL changed to rules so that there are only 3 downs to get a Renew. Not only was it ruled that four downs was too big of a risk for injuries, but to also call it a FIRST down was offensive for children who had never been first in their lives. Hence it is now referred to as “Primero Down” or “Getting a Renewal On Downs” or a “Credit Extension On Downs.” )
The ‘Corns get the ball back as the clock runs out after 4…end of the First Quarter.
(Oh yeah, also as per the “New Rules Package of 2046” was a reduction in Quarter length to exactly 5:45 minutes. It was discovered by a scientist from Buttbelvedre College in 2030 that reducing Quarter length would minmize injury risk and be more compliant with the fans ever-shortening attention spans.)
After one, the score…
Unicorns Quarterback and certified egomaniac Ja’anquel’shen J’one’s again tries to run the same “passing the ball to himself” play, but this time, their opponents get wise to the scheme and Puppies, 50-Cent Back Icyhot’backpatch Jackson gets the pick, and runs the ball all the way to the ‘Corns Half-20 yardline before he is toe-tackeled.
Puppies QB Amanda Corduroy (Women were allowed to play professional football after the 2036 Supreme Court case, “Butchy Collins vs Jerry Jones IV” ruled in their favor.) sissy-wrist-flicks the ball to her Fatend Jakmasoneque Purvis for a 4 and 3/4ths yard gain.
Second down, Corduroy has no receivers open and is forced to bunny-skip her way through the collapsing Hot Pocket’s-sponsored QB pocket and by a miracle of God, makes it into the endzone for the TD without being tackled, or accidentally sexually assaulted.
Unfortunately a sex-crazed shirtless redneck Puppies fan “tree-jumps” onto the field and runs toward Corduroy, and even though this former holder of the women’s cagefighting crown is able to roundhouse kick the fan in the nuts, she breaks a nail in the process and is carried off the field in a stretcher, as mandated by federal regulations for all female athletes.
The idiot refs somehow forget to stop the clock during all this “drama” and time expires.
Another online fan poll votes that the tree jumper should be convicted immediately after the game and sentenced to 90 days medical castration.
And The score at Halftime…
The Halftime Show is presented by MILFMamapeedrinkers.com, the number one “olde fashioned family porn site” online, and Taco Belle. It’s a two-parter with an interpretive dance number by the Larouchette Man-On-Man Dance Bonaza,….
….and a provocative reading from World Poet Laureate, the renowned socialist poet Pedophilius Fergussan.
The crowd falls asleep and many leave Obama Memorial/Fanny Mac Stadium in disgust.
As per newer league rules, both teams have to select one player from each team to represent them in a thumb war at mid-field to determine second half possession.
Other than this, nothing else interesting happens in the 3rd quarter. Everyone is still asleep or vomiting from the Halftime Show, including most of the players.
To start off the Fourth quarter, QB Amanda Corduroy unexpectedly returns to the field, and manages to lead her Puppies on an EPIC 25 yard drive. But then, when it appears that she is busted on camra eye-gouging one of the ‘Corns defenders for trying to “wedgie tackle” her to the turf and rip off her shorts, the refs decide to deduct 15 points from the Puppies score, and let the them start again with a Primero Down.
So that the score is now…
Of course the Puppies coach, Juan Andreabocelli Barebone is furious at this, and throws his challenge flag, which sends the call into review. When it doesn’t look like the call will be reversed, a member of the crowd THEN throws THEIR designated pink challenge flag onto the field, resulting in another 20-minutes of review. When the call STILL isn’t reversed, the President phones into the game, and her designated rep at the stadium throws HER “red-white-and-blue” Presidential challenge flag on the ground.
After 45 minutes, and three ref conferences, it is ruled to award the Pups back five points and dock the ‘Corns one point, for “fairness sake.” Play finally resumes.
The Pups manage to drive the ball all the way to the goal line, but given the Unicorns legendary “Slap-Happy Defense” the Pups are forced to settle for a field goal. We come to the three minute warning.
The ‘Corns are about to put the game away, but after a points-deducting penalty call for “two many white men on the field” and a call for “illegally successful procedure” on the next play.The ‘Corns are forced to punt on a 2-and-out with a 1:03 left on the Comcast Owns It All Inc Official game clock.
In what will likely be one of the greatest “1-minute drills” in GFL history, first half-year rookie QB Amanda Corduroy goes on an amazing run of THREE complete passes, a season high; the first one to Chang-Ke-Shek Downs, the second, to Fifthback Pippi Mcintire-Islam and the third, to Punter-Receiver Rupaul Gaines.
The Pups are within 5 yards of scoring a touchdown, when veteran Inoffensive Lineman Ube’que’esha Tyree misses her blocking assignment, and Corduroy is sacked on Second Down. But in a surprise move, the refs call a penalty on the Unicorn’s Doorstopback # -50 Maddogtwentytwenty Shaquaan for “Titty-twisting the Quarterback.” which not only results in an automatic Primero Down for the Puppies, but also a 3 point deduction.
On the very next play, there is a pass interference call on the Unicorns, but while the Corn’s coach Clem Clemer Clemmson is about to throw down his challenge flag, it is discovered by an 17 year old blogger that Clemson voted AGAINST the incumbent FemiHispoAfrocratic Party in the last Presidential election, so by online poll vote decree of the nation, it is determined his team will lose a further 10 points on this shocking new evidence.
With 10 seconds left on the clock, the Pups run a final “Hail Che’ “ pass play for the endzone, but everyone butterfingers the ball (including the defense) and time expires.
The Portland Puppies prevail in an astounding comeback victory!!
The Game MVP is, of course, who it always is, Former President Barack Obama, even though he’s been dead now for more than 20 years.
Nevertheless, as per GFC tradition, Puppies hot new QB Amanda Corduroy is named “MVP-Pro-Temps” for the 2063 GFL Sippy Cup!!
As is traditional, in lieu of a trophy, a cake and ice cream party is served at mid-field following the game for the winners…and “losers.” (Because really, there ARE NO winners and losers!! 🙂 )
And that’s pro football, a half century from now.
Aren’t you glad you won’t be around to see it?? 😉
God bless America…err…I mean, the Northern Hemispheric Union,
J. Devious, ESQ.