Well I’ve been doing some serious thinking on this Monologue Monday
Do you realize what this Friday is??? December 21, 2012..AKA MAYAN DOOMSDAY
Are you scared??
Fear not, friends and neighbors, because Yours Truly has FIVE sure ways that you will definitely be righteously prepared for whatever might happen and I am happy as a bearded clam to share them with you…
5. Walk Around In Nothing But Skimpy Underwear
FACT: Those pesky Mayans liked to go pretty much buck-arse naked everywhere.
(Whether that destination happened to be to the local jungle grove to scoop up some shrimpy plantains, the Jaguar patch to pick out a new cuddley-wuddley pet jaguar for their kid’s room,or to “Severed Human Hearts and Lotto Tickets’ R’Us” for the latest sacrificial victim al dente’.)
WHO am I, a pampered white Redneck boy of the present, to argue with such wise tradition?
I SAY let’s all greet our impending doom the way those Mayan boys did…in flimsy mini-hammocks of cloth barely covering our junk…. and nothing else!!
If I were you and I had a Jaguar-patterned thong, I’d wear it all week. Trust me, the ancient Mayans would be proud!
4. Order-In Copious Amounts Of Fast Food/Chinese Takeout
What? You DID hear all those doom-and-gloomers say that we should all be stockpiling our cute little butts off with tons of food right?? Well, don’t I get to decide what KIND of food I want hoarding up space in my mancave?
Who the heck wants to eat cardboard peach cobbler and ramen noodle soup made for boiled toilet water for the next 30 days, when you COULD be stuffing your gills full of McRib, Whataburger, and Moo Shoo Pork out the wazoo?
Though, I MAY reconsider the Chinese food by the time Friday rolls around. You know how it is, you only THINK you’re full THIS Doomsday, but then, just two Apocalypses later, you find yourself hungry again! 😉
3. Watch A LOT Of TV
Hey hey now, WHAT do those bubble-bobbleheads on the local news ALWAYS say when the disaster fecal blizzard hits the fan? STAY TUNED FOR UPDATES right?
So, that’s EXACTLY what I plan to do. Right after I watch this re-run of the Women Of Ninja Warrior. or the episode where Bear Grylles has to drink his own pee. Quality Family entertainment. 🙂
2. Consume Alcohol
What is one of the first things that survivalists tell you to do in a crisis situation?
No, NOT get the Nordic-flamboyant 80’s version of Arnold Schwarzenegger in dorky board-shorts to watch your back!
Rather, DRINK PLENTY OF LIQUIDS!
Last I checked, BOOZE is a liquid! 😛
And the last one?
Why, a 3-WAY TIE Between …
1. Playing Call Of Duty Black Ops 2, Dusting The Mothballs Off Of My Super Soaker 200, and/or Playing “Surprise Paintball” With Everyone I Know.
“They” tell us when the Apocalypse hits, that we also should all learn how to defend ourselves with weapons n’es pas?
Well, what better way to learn how to tactically sneak up on people without totally making them hate you and pissing them off than to blast them in a virtual environment; OR to make it look like they peed their pants with your giant vintage SQUIRT gun?
(Too soon?? Naaaaaaaaah… they made the ad in 1991. B) )
Yeah, they MAY annoy you, your friends and family sometimes, but you need them ALIVE of course, in which to mooch money and milk off of later…you know…uhhh…after the world ends…err…yeaaah. (Plus, pranking them with such wonderful lil’ toys is FUNNN!! 😀 )
You see folks? If you just follow my Five SIMPLE steps of preparedness you’ll be…uhh….prepared for the scary Apocalypse that won’t really happen this Friday!