Anyhoo, having to…endure…a certain Christmas/Holiday tradition of my dearest Mother’s YET AGAIN has gotten my writer’s brain to braining…err…I mean BRAINSTORMING, as my only way of dealing with it. 😛
Uhhh yeaaaah. My folks (and my Mom in particular) get totally hooked on Hallmark Channel movies this time of year.
For those fortunate of you who may not know (because you’re under 50 years old 😀 ) Hallmark is the “Sappy Movie Channel” for old foogies like our parents and grandparents. They typically show some of THE CORNIEST, most absurdly-cast, cheesy-acted original programming ever made…but they go EPICALLY apeshite crazy with the canned corn from Thanksgiving-to-Christmas. I think they call it their “Countdown To Christmas” special…which pretty much means, sap to crap to crap and back to more sap, for 20 days….nonstop. Uhhhhyeaaaaaah….:P
For whatever reason though, my Mom, God-bless-her, LOOOOOOVES this stuff. *Yawn. *
Since I have oft said every year that I could write one of these Hallmark holiday campy CORNdog fests of crappola in no time at all, I will back it up for once. Here’s my edition to the Hallmark vault of holiday horrors….enjoy!
A DIRTY MAGICAL HOBO CHRISTMAS…FOR CHRISTMAS
By J. Marty-Sue Devious
The Zombiefied Stephen J. Cannell
A Slimy Booger Hidden Inside A Kleenex Leftover from Crispin Glover’s Bedroom
Mc.G, who also directed, with the aide of a monkey playing the cymbals
Robert Halmi Sr
Robert Halmi Jr
Robert Halmi II
And the just recently conceived twins, Robert Halmi III and IV
Randy Quaid (via Skype from his hotel room )
Casper Van Dien
Some Chick you’ve probably never heard of
The reanimated corpse of Ernest Borgnine
Mickey Rourke, as “Fruusty The Snowman”
Pauly Shore, as “The True Spirit Of Christmas”
R. Lee Ermey as Santa Claus’s Replacement, Klintz Kringkill
Paul Reubens, as “Jackie Offe, the Tree-Jumping Christmas Sprite”
A Little Boy whose attorney insisted he not be named in the credits for appearing in this… movie
And Steve Guttenberg, as the “REAL Santa Claus”
COSTUMES HECHO EN MEXICO
CATERING BY SPIKE’S BIKER’S HELL BBQ AND TEA TIME CAKES
EXT: A TOTALLY FAKE SNOWY WILDERNESS LANDSCAPE OUTSIDE OF CORNYWOOD, USA – NIGHT, MOST LIKELY, BUT, MAYBE NOT
It’s outside in the middle of freaking nowhere. And I do mean nowhere…MAAAAN. (Hur hur, PUN! ) There’s like, nothing out there at all, ‘cept all this naturey stuff, and all this cold, white, something-er-another just like, covering the ground and these, like, I dunno, big tall green tree whatchamacallit things. And yeah, there’s all these twinkley stars and junk. Like seriously, it SOooo out in the middle of nowhere that like, if you were getting any bars at all, now, you’re like so NOT dude, and you’re now a LOSER! Oh yeah, and it’s cold I guess. Like, the kinda cold out too. Youknow what, now that I’m thinking about it, it’s pretty much a background shot for a COORS BEER Commercial, there ya go, yeah, hahaha. Duuuuuuude, HIGH FIVE!
Oh yeah, here we see HOLLY THE HAPPY CHRISTMAS CLOWN HOBO(who’s really just a rigged-up clown-nosed TV monitor on wheels, dressed up in a hobo costume, while on that monitor, Randy is actually in a bathroom at the Montreal ECONO LODGE in his underwear. ) The lost little boy, NICHOLAS HARDERMAN is walking in the snow beside the cart standing in for Quaid. Young Nick looks so sad…on soooo many levels.
(signing deeply and making “puppy dog eyes” at the fake snow on the soundstage)
(beat, beat, beat)
(through bad speaker feedback )
Why, whatever is the matter Nickster?
(trying to look precious, yet sad, despite the heavy dose of dramamine)
I…I… dunnnno Holly.
Whatdayamean you DON’T KNOW kid? didntcha have fun? Didntcha like ridin’ around all these weeks with me’an my burro Manuel…err…Nan-NOEL?
…Didn’t you like all this travelin’ we’ve been doin’ ??
The “colorful” folk we’ve met a’long the way to see Santy, their swell foot diseases…the gosh-golly-shucks times we’ve had… ridin’ on the rails…checkin’ each other for ticks…
…And LICE! I done promised’ya I wouldn’t hold out on the lice from ya, an’ I didn’t!
No, I guess you…
(Beat, scalp scratchy-scratch)
Hey, Arencha glad we saved Santy from that…evily guy??
Then what’s wrong chil’??
Before you kidnapped me Holl-
Wait a’danged minute kid, that was NOT kidnappin’
That’s not what the nice man from the F-B-I who you left danglin’ over the overpass in his underpants said-
– HEEEEY! I was jus’ BORROWIN’ you Nickie, I swear… to help me save Santa-
– and you said that those “pork’n’beans” on the train to Monterrey were REALLY pork, and NOT feral cat-
(fondly reminiscing over it in a rather disturbing sort of way)
-All Hobo food tastes like chicken anyhow son-
-and when I was holding that RIGHTEOUS dimebag, WAS the annoying “Spirit Of Christmas” guy or that sicko Tree-Jumper elf in bell shoes that YOU VOUCHED FOR really as “cool” as you SAID they were?? Huh huh Holly??
(while becoming aroused over imagining Bugs Bunny dressed up like a girl bunny)
-best shotgunin’ I ever done, writing “Merry Christmas” up and down on their bare butts in buckshot yessir!!
And you PROMISED ME that somehow us going through all this…this ignorant shite would teach me the TRUE meaning of Christmas!!
Okay okay kid. Tell ‘ya what, I’ll go and make all that up to you, right now.
A long pause asHOLLYgoes fumbling around in his filthy Hobo pants pocket. (well ACTUALLY a highly-underpaid stagehand goes through a fruity hot pink fanny pack on the front of the TV cart, but just trust us, it’s a POCKET!! )
(as the stagehand hands it off a nasty looking rag to NICK )
(Like he might spew all over himself in a very dramatic spewologic fashion)
EWWWIES!! That’s a nastyarse rag Holly, I have no Idea where that’s been!!
(Clicking his teeth over the speaker like Cousin Eddie)
-and you don’t WANNA know, Boy. But I’m gonna tell you right now, that ain’t no ordinary rag covered in my bodily secretions. It’s also a MAGICAL Christmas rag of filth-
(Muttering under his breath while angrily texting his agent for recommending this part)
If I end up catching an incurable disease from this thing, I SWEAR everybody’s getting sued back to the Stone Age!!
NICKreluctantly takes hold of theMAGICAL FILTHY HOBO RAGOF CHIRSTMASby just holding it between his first two fingers at arms-length, and grimacing in an unpleasant way, as opposed to theGRIMACE FROM MCDONALDS, that giant purple piece of crap that nobody has any idea just what the Hell it even is.
Holly, I’m…uhh…holding it. Now what?
(while the stagehand “Loin Cloth Jerry” is turning the TV cart so he can see it)
Now, ya make a VERRRY SPECIAL WISH while looking up at that bright Christmas Star up there…
(looking at his bare wrist like he’s got a watch on, Chevy Chase would be so pissed, but I don’t care!!)
Duuuuude, THAT’S NOT even the Christmas Star!! That’s a UFO!!
(Genuinely surprised, scratching his crotch)
Yaknow kid, I got abducted by a UFO onc-
Suddenly,THE DIRECTORwho is wearing nothing but a halfway open satinSHORTIE ROBEand his own epic “man-sweater” of chest hair, chimes in over a megaphone.
(Over el Megaphone-o, like I just said)
Uhh, Raaaandy, THAT was from another movie you were in, remember?
(Perplexsticated, or something like that)
Are you SUUUURE??
As sure as I am that I just had unprotected “relations” with an intern over lunch, and that my wife will NEVER find out.
Alrighty whatever. Kid, hurry up and make your wish so we can wrap this thing up and cut to the commercials for used catheters and Medical Alert cra-err…I mean our fine sponsors!
Remember Nickie, it can be a wish for ANYTHING you want, World Peace, to instantly return home to your on-screen Mom,Dad, and your undead Grandpa for Christmas, a pack’o’smokes, ANYTHING! Just close your eyes, rub my nasty rag, and it’ll be yours!!
NICKdoes just as instructed with an evil smile on his face. Instantly, theNASTY RAGtransforms intoCHUCK NORRIS, dressed like Christmas Ninja. CHUCK NORRISproceeds to roundhouse kick the snot out of everything in sight, knocking it all down to sub-atomic particles, except forNICK.
CHUCK NORRIStakesNICKin his arms and blasts off with aJETPACK made from his own awesomeness.
THE WORLDthen explodes.CHUCK NORRISsurvives, and so doesNICK, who grows up to be the newSANTA CLAUS, albeit a totally ripped Santa with 8-pack abs.
THE DIRECTOR’S WIFEfound out her husband was banging the skanky intern, and promptly got her now ex-husband’s bronzed balls on a plaque as part of their divorce settlement.
I think that’s about as “Capra-esque” as a modern Christmas classic can be, don’t you agree? 😉
Watching more Steve Guttenberg stuff than he’s used to,