My Cheesy Hallmark Channel Christmas Movie

Hallmark Channel logo
 
What’s going on inside your compadre Jimmy Devious head today??
 
Gee, are you SURE you really wanna know??
 
(Note: that question is rhetorical, you’re still going to find out anyway, whether you want to…or not!! 😛 )
 
But, guess what? it’s…Utterly Absurd Fanfiction Thursday again!!
 
(Ooo…please contain your…. excitement. )
 
Anyhoo, having to…endure…a certain Christmas/Holiday tradition of my dearest Mother’s YET AGAIN has gotten my writer’s brain to braining…err…I mean BRAINSTORMING, as my only way of dealing with it. 😛

Uhhh yeaaaah. My folks (and my Mom in particular) get totally hooked on Hallmark Channel movies this time of year.

For those fortunate of you who may not know (because you’re under 50 years old 😀 ) Hallmark is the “Sappy Movie Channel” for old foogies like our parents and grandparents. They typically show some of THE CORNIEST, most absurdly-cast, cheesy-acted original programming ever made…but they go EPICALLY apeshite crazy with the canned corn from Thanksgiving-to-Christmas. I think they call it their “Countdown To Christmas” special…which pretty much means, sap to crap to crap and back to more sap, for 20 days….nonstop. Uhhhhyeaaaaaah….:P
 
For whatever reason though, my Mom, God-bless-her, LOOOOOOVES this stuff.  *Yawn. *
 
Since I have oft said every year that I could write one of these Hallmark holiday campy CORNdog fests of crappola in no time at all, I will back it up for once. Here’s my edition to the Hallmark vault of holiday horrors….enjoy!
 
——-
 
A DIRTY MAGICAL HOBO CHRISTMAS…FOR CHRISTMAS
 
By J. Marty-Sue Devious
 
The Zombiefied Stephen J. Cannell
 
A Slimy Booger Hidden Inside A Kleenex Leftover from Crispin Glover’s Bedroom
 
And
Mc.G, who also directed, with the aide of a monkey playing the cymbals
 
Produced by:
 
Robert Halmi Sr
Robert Halmi Jr
Robert Halmi II
And the just recently conceived twins, Robert Halmi III and IV
 
Starring:
 
Randy Quaid (via Skype from his hotel room )
Casper Van Dien
Crystal Bernard
Some Chick you’ve probably never heard of
The reanimated corpse of Ernest Borgnine
Mickey Rourke, as “Fruusty The Snowman”
Pauly Shore, as “The True Spirit Of Christmas”
R. Lee Ermey as Santa Claus’s Replacement, Klintz Kringkill
Paul Reubens, as “Jackie Offe, the Tree-Jumping Christmas Sprite”
A Little Boy whose attorney insisted he not be named in the credits for appearing in this… movie
 
And Steve Guttenberg, as the “REAL Santa Claus”
 
COSTUMES HECHO EN MEXICO
 
CATERING BY SPIKE’S BIKER’S HELL BBQ AND TEA TIME CAKES
 
EXT: A TOTALLY FAKE SNOWY WILDERNESS LANDSCAPE OUTSIDE OF CORNYWOOD, USA – NIGHT, MOST LIKELY, BUT, MAYBE NOT
 
It’s outside in the middle of freaking nowhere. And I do mean nowhere…MAAAAN. (Hur hur, PUN! ) There’s like, nothing out there at all, ‘cept all this naturey stuff, and all this cold, white, something-er-another just like, covering the ground and these, like, I dunno, big tall green tree whatchamacallit things. And yeah, there’s all these twinkley stars and junk. Like seriously, it SOooo out in the middle of nowhere that like, if you were getting any bars at all, now, you’re like so NOT dude, and you’re now a LOSER! Oh yeah, and it’s cold I guess. Like, the kinda cold out too. Youknow what, now that I’m thinking about it, it’s pretty much a background shot for a COORS BEER Commercial, there ya go, yeah, hahaha. Duuuuuuude, HIGH FIVE!
 
Oh yeah, here we see HOLLY THE HAPPY CHRISTMAS CLOWN HOBO (who’s really just a rigged-up clown-nosed TV monitor on wheels, dressed up in a hobo costume, while on that monitor, Randy is actually in a bathroom at the Montreal ECONO LODGE in his underwear. ) The lost little boy, NICHOLAS HARDERMAN is walking in the snow beside the cart standing in for Quaid. Young Nick looks so sad…on soooo many levels.
 
NICK
(signing deeply and making “puppy dog eyes” at the fake snow on the soundstage)
 
Ho.
 
(beat, beat, beat)
 
 Hum. I’m…*Siiiiiigh-ing* 
 
 
a goofy little dude
 
 
HOLLY HOBO
(through bad speaker feedback )
 
Why, whatever is the matter Nickster?
 
NICK
(trying to look precious, yet sad, despite the heavy dose of dramamine)
 
I…I… dunnnno Holly. 
 
HOLLY HOBO
 
Whatdayamean you DON’T KNOW kid? didntcha have fun? Didntcha like ridin’ around all these weeks with me’an my burro Manuel…err…Nan-NOEL?
 
NICK
 
UMMM…
 
HOLLY HOBO
 
…Didn’t you like all this travelin’ we’ve been doin’ ??
 
Goofy Randy Quaid
Who WOULDN’T want to learn about the true meaning of Christmas from THAT guy!
 
NICK
 
Welll…uhh….
 
HOLLY HOBO
 
The “colorful” folk we’ve met a’long the way to see Santy, their swell foot diseases…the gosh-golly-shucks times we’ve had… ridin’ on the rails…checkin’ each other for ticks…
 
NICK
 
Well yeah…
 
HOLLY HOBO
 
…And LICE! I done promised’ya I wouldn’t hold out on the lice from ya, an’ I didn’t!
 
NICK
 
No, I guess you…
 
(Beat, scalp scratchy-scratch)
 
DIDN’T!
 
HOLLY HOBO
 
Hey, Arencha glad we saved Santy from that…evily guy??
 
NICK
 
Kind..of yeah.
 
HOLLY HOBO
 
Then what’s wrong chil’??
 
NICK
 
Before you kidnapped me Holl-
 
HOLLY HOBO
 
Wait a’danged minute kid, that was NOT kidnappin’
 
NICK
 
That’s not what the nice man from the F-B-I who you left danglin’ over the overpass in his underpants said-
 
HOLLY HOBO
 
– HEEEEY! I was jus’ BORROWIN’ you Nickie, I swear… to help me save Santa-
 
More Crazy Randy Quaid
 
NICK
 
– and you said that those “pork’n’beans” on the train to Monterrey were REALLY pork, and NOT feral cat-
 
HOLLY HOBO
(fondly reminiscing over it in a rather disturbing sort of way)
 
-All Hobo food tastes like chicken anyhow son-
 
NICK
 
-and when I was holding that RIGHTEOUS dimebag, WAS the annoying “Spirit Of Christmas” guy  or that sicko Tree-Jumper elf in bell shoes that YOU VOUCHED FOR really as “cool” as you SAID they were?? Huh huh Holly??
 
HOLLY HOBO
(while becoming aroused over imagining Bugs Bunny dressed up like a girl bunny)
 
-best shotgunin’ I ever done, writing “Merry Christmas” up and down on their bare butts in buckshot yessir!!
 
NICK
 
And you PROMISED ME that somehow us going through all this…this ignorant shite would teach me the TRUE meaning of Christmas!!
 
HOLLY HOBO
 
Okay okay kid. Tell ‘ya what, I’ll go and make all that up to you, right now.
 
A long pause as HOLLY goes fumbling around in his filthy Hobo pants pocket. (well ACTUALLY a highly-underpaid stagehand goes through a fruity hot pink fanny pack on the front of the TV cart, but just trust us, it’s a POCKET!! )
 
HOLLY HOBO
(as the stagehand hands it off a nasty looking rag to NICK )
 
Here.
 
NICK
(Like he might spew all over himself in a very dramatic spewologic fashion)
 
EWWWIES!! That’s a nastyarse rag Holly, I have no Idea where that’s been!!
 
HOLLY HOBO
(Clicking his teeth over the speaker like Cousin Eddie)
 
-and you don’t WANNA know, Boy. But I’m gonna tell you right now, that ain’t no ordinary rag covered in my bodily secretions. It’s also a MAGICAL Christmas rag of filth-
 
NICK
(Muttering under his breath while angrily texting his agent for recommending this part)
 
If I end up catching an incurable disease from this thing, I SWEAR everybody’s getting sued back to the Stone Age!!
 
NICK reluctantly takes hold of the MAGICAL FILTHY HOBO RAG OF CHIRSTMAS by just holding it between his first two fingers at arms-length, and grimacing in an unpleasant way, as opposed to the GRIMACE FROM MCDONALDS, that giant purple piece of crap that nobody has any idea just what the Hell it even is.
 
NICK
 
Holly, I’m…uhh…holding it. Now what?
 
HOLLY HOBO
(while the stagehand “Loin Cloth Jerry” is turning the TV cart so he can see it)
 
Now, ya make a VERRRY SPECIAL WISH while looking up at that bright Christmas Star up there…
 
NICK
(looking at his bare wrist like he’s got a watch on, Chevy Chase would be so pissed, but I don’t care!!)
 
Duuuuude, THAT’S NOT even the Christmas Star!! That’s a UFO!!
 
HOLLY HOBO
(Genuinely surprised, scratching his crotch)
 
Huh?? Real-LLLY??
(beat)
Yaknow kid, I got abducted by a UFO onc-
 
Suddenly, THE DIRECTOR who is wearing nothing but a halfway open satin SHORTIE ROBE and his own epic “man-sweater” of chest hair, chimes in over a megaphone.
 
a movie director
 
EL DIRECTOR
(Over el Megaphone-o, like I just said)
 
Uhh, Raaaandy, THAT was from another movie you were in, remember?
 
HOLLY HOBO
(Perplexsticated, or something like that)
 
Are you SUUUURE??
 
Crazy Randy Quaid 3
 
EL DIRECTOR
 
As sure as I am that I just had unprotected “relations” with an intern over lunch, and that my wife will NEVER find out.
 
HOLLY HOBO
 
Alrighty whatever.  Kid, hurry up and make your wish so we can wrap this thing up and cut to the commercials for used catheters and Medical Alert cra-err…I mean our fine sponsors!
 
(beat)
 
Remember Nickie, it can be a wish for ANYTHING you want, World Peace, to instantly return home to your on-screen Mom,Dad, and your undead Grandpa for Christmas, a pack’o’smokes, ANYTHING! Just close your eyes, rub my nasty rag, and it’ll be yours!!
 
A devious little boy
 
NICK does just as instructed with an evil smile on his face. Instantly, the NASTY RAG transforms into CHUCK NORRIS, dressed like Christmas Ninja. CHUCK NORRIS proceeds to roundhouse kick the snot out of everything in sight, knocking it all down to sub-atomic particles, except for NICK.
 
CHUCK NORRIS takes NICK in his arms and blasts off with a JETPACK made from his own awesomeness.
 
THE WORLD then explodes. CHUCK NORRIS survives, and so does NICK, who grows up to be the new SANTA CLAUS, albeit a totally ripped Santa with 8-pack abs. 
 
THE DIRECTOR’S WIFE found out her husband was banging the skanky intern, and promptly got her now ex-husband’s bronzed balls on a plaque as part of their divorce settlement.
 
more Chuck Norris
 
 
FIN.
 
——-
 
I think that’s about as “Capra-esque” as a modern Christmas classic can be, don’t you agree? 😉
 
Watching more Steve Guttenberg stuff than he’s used to,
 
J. Devious, ESQ
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