Moron Monday: Christmas Aisle Hogs

Christmas Shopping

What’s inside Jimmy Devious’ head to start this week??

Well…it should probably come to no one’s surprise especially IF you read last Monday’s post on Holiday Greediness that I am NOT one of the biggest fans in the world of Christmas/Holiday shopping.

 
Wanna know what one of the most major of major reasons why I hate it so much? (tough…you’re getting it anyway!! 😉 ) )
 
Christmas Aisle Hogs.
 
I see you through your screen brandishing your “whatever-the-heck-do-you-mean? Face” at me, so let me back-track just one little step here.
 
What ARE Aisle Hogs? Well, you have seen aisles right? They’re the prime locations in stores wherein things can be found forthwith to purchase, or, if you’re a criminal wearing parachute pants, the place where you locate things with which to stuff down those parachute pants and to walk out with…
 
MC Hammer Parachute Pants
MC Hammer: STOP! Shoplifter time!
 
 (They can also be that little narrow carpeted strip in the mist of weddings in which grooms walk down with Pa’s shotgun at their back, but I digress. 😛 😀 )
 
Shotgun Wedding
 
 
And of course, everybody knows what a hog is right?
 
kid on a hog
Egaaad, I WISH that was me!! 😉
 
 
No no, not THAT one…more like THIS:
 
feral hogs
TEXAS: The land of feral hogs. Indoors and out!
 
 
Or even THIS!
 
christmas aisle hogs
 
Now add to that the instant commercialism and slow death by claustrophobia that IS Christmas Shopping and there you have it, the Christmas Aisle Hog!! (Go pick out a sticker for yourself, you’ve earned it! 😉 )

We’ve all seen them. Anyone who has dared enter a Wallyworld’s or AKA Walmart on a Saturday afternoon at about 2PM..ish knows what I’m talking about.

There they are, meandering about like a flea market marionette operated by a puppeteer heavily under the influence of cherry-flavored crack. They seem to have NO IDEA what they’re looking for, where they are, or even what manner of species of creature they are.
 
Their waistline alone is nearly a cart-and-a half in length, and God-help-you if they have any KIDS with them. Just accept the fact that whatever you’re looking for IS GOING to be in their squealing-living-tub-of-Lard…  err….I mean THEIR KID’s mouth…
 
…Whether it’s edible or not! 😛
 
And there they go, just lalala-dee-dee-doe-ing along oblivious while their equally large jiggly gelatinous spawn is playing “Hulk Hands” with all the store shelves knocking stuff around. And do they ever notice anything in their wake??
 
Hulk Hands
 
Noooope.
 
But, the Christmas Aisle Hog is doing what it is meant to do the most of course, WHEN THEY’RE BLOCKING THE ENTIRE AISLE!
 
You go left, THEY go left. You go right, same difference. You pump-fake to the right but really wanna go left, they somehow either telepathically know this, OR their equally bulbously obese hubby shows up with the 365-jumbo sale pack of T-P with which to cord off the whole sector. Even if you employed the “Jimmy Dolan Shake’N’Bake” you just know they’d be totally immune.
 
You TRY and be patient, to maybe go “mentally masturbate” over all the delicious cookies, cakes, and cake doughnuts over in the Bakery for a while, hoping that MAYBE by the time you make your second flyby at that aisle they’ll be gone…but are they folks??
 
Nooope.
 
In fact, if you’re EXTREMELY unlucky, they’ll RUN INTO SOMEONE THEY KNOW and then proceed to have a “Cartversation” right smack-dab in the middle of the aisle they’re apparently guarding for Zool or something.
 
And these folks are ESPECIALLY a plague when you need them in the way the least, during Christmas. NOTE: this is your hint guys, you know who you are, KEEP THE LINE MOVING.
 
Or if you just can’t get enough of your neurons firing to figure that out, then go take a nap somewhere…
 
Christmas Aisle Hogs 2
 
 
There ya! go!! 😀
 
What’s your own biggest Christmas Holiday Shopping pet Peeve?
 
Was doing the Shake’n’Bake LOOONG before Ricky Bobby,
 
J. Devious, ESQ
 
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