Twilight: The Ignorant Ending– Thoroughly Absurd Fanfiction Thursday

 Bella Swan SucksSooo… What’s Inside your Ol’ virtual buddy Jimmy Devious’ head today???

I can tell already, you look SOO excited!! 😛
Well…uhhhh….technically not REALLY. I mean, yes, it is totally fiction, and it will be somewhat in the style that a real INSANE OBESSED FAN would write it… (until the end) just that I’m not an ACTUAL fan…of Twilight
True confession? I think it SUCKS.

Yeap. I do. Buuuut, since Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part 2 is the hot movie franchise of the moment, (or at least until The Hobbit comes out and kicks its ass!)

…I thought I’d try my “devious” writing had at penning a more “satisfying” conclusion for the general public to this breathtakingly (horrible) teenfest vampire…ish….saga.
So without further adieu, I give you my brilliant Twilight (crap) …ERR….my conclusion. (Even thought I don’t really know jackschmidt about it! )
 Enjoy!! 😀
Everyone Finally Realizes THEY SUCK
J. Marty-Sue Devious 
F. Morgenstern
and A Leftover Pizza Box from Crispin Glover’s house
Printed by:
The Insane Print Shoppe Scriptorium and Part Tyme Bait Shoppe
123 Fake Shoppe St.
Timberwood, TX 
PROUDLY printed on unrecyclable paper
EXT: The Sparkly Sparkle Vampire Glade, Near The Town Of Sporks, WA– DAY…ISH
EDWARD and BELLA are kinda lying in the midst of an opening in the Vampire community of Sporks’ favorite enchanted forest to like, I dunno, go off and umm…canoodle each other..or something. So like that EDWARD vampire dude and that BELLA vampire dud…err..CHICK, are like…canoodling each other I guess. Just get it in your head that there’s like, a whole lot of freakin’ woods around, trees, really high grass, perhaps a tacky flower or two in the background, and maybe…a squirrel. Yeah…a squirrel…. who is just minding his own squirrelery business…and likes to…WATCH. (Squirrels are total peeping toms!! You didn’t know?? )
In midst of a poorly-planned moment of “tonsil hockey” EDWARD makes a startling *cat choking on a hairball* sound.
(catching part of his “backwash refuse” in her mouth)
Mmmmph!! My GAWWD, like, what’s wrong, my sweet Steady Eddie??
The overrated Bella
(Spitting up the rest and wiping it off on the corner of his…I mean HER dress.)
 Golly Gee whilickers Spider Monkey, I don’t know…I…I just suddenly felt kinda funny when I was kissing you….
Edward Cullen is a doofus
(Poorly attempting to emote shock, while simultaneously eyeing the shirtless Best Boy and Key Grip off-camera, lustfully.)
Like, HOW funny?? Am I a clown to you Edsie? Do I AMUSE you?? Do I make you laugh??
( while farting)
Umm…no…that’s just IT, my sweet Hot Pocket Poppett (shameless product placement here, BUY NOW! )
Dramatic pause, Beat. A tree in the background pretending to be an Asian extr…err..whoops, I meant an Asian guy EXTRA pretending to be a tree, lets out a loud beer belch.
(while licking her first two fingers suggestively, and making “bedroom eyes” at Raul Jimenz’s rippling nipples over in Craft Service)
Like, WHAT is it?? My sweet…uhhh…Baboo??
(distracted, texting himself)
I don’t know my love…I just feel….I just feel…nothing for you…
Suddenly, THE SQUIRREL that has been watching them off in the corner like a peeping-tom-techie (with X-RAY EYES! ) magically metamorpho-tizes into JACOB THE HAIRY GUY. The only thing that has failed to transform into the sexy young teenager form you know and love is his upper lip, so now it looks as though Jacob has a nasty “Porno Stache” on his face that makes him strongly resemble a Dirty Sanchez. Green Bay Packers QB Aaron Rodgers would be proud.
Aaron Rodgers Porn Stache
Ahhh…HAAAAAH!! NOW I’ve GOT you!!
(Aroused…because…well… he has a pulse)
(ALSO Aroused)
Yes Jakey, O-to-the-M-to-the-G!
(Beat, nervously primping and fixing his hair)
What are you doing here Sweet…err..I mean SIR??
Edward Cullen Sucks
(Licking her lips, suggestively…of course)
Yes, what are you doing here?
I’ve been waiting for this moment like, for like, forevers, as if. It’s no secret that I’ve like, always thought about coming between yous and like…uhhh…whatever. I know we started sissy-slapping and fighting and like, stuff. But that’s ONLY like, because, like yeah, I kinda like, whatever, LOVE YOU and stuff…I love you!
(feeling herself up a little like a hussy)
Youuuu… DO??
Oh no, not YOU Sug, I mean…YOOOOOU!
Pause, he stares doe-eyed into EDWARD’s eyes. EDWARD eyes him back, they both start to cry happily.
This is…this is wonderful news Jakester! I have always had this dream…this dream that you and I could run away together to Montana and start a Sparkley Vampire and WereSquirrel Ranch for Disabled Goats. I thought….we’d be beautiful together.
Come here, and KISS me you sparkly FOOL!!
The ASIAN GUY EXTRA stops being a tree in the background and somehow retrieves a Karaoke Machine from his own pants pocket. He then begins singing “I Will Always LOOOOOVE you” very, VERY badly.
(sucking her own fingers.)
Hmmmm….Okay, if you two are going to start boinking each other now, can I…watch?? I DO shop at Abercrombie And Fitch after all…
Just as all of AMERICA is starting to become physically sick…a fleet of black helicopters appears over the horizon. CHUCK NORRIS, appears in all black leather a’la DELTA FORCE.
CHUCK NORRIS plummets to the ground from the lead copter on a Ninja Motorcycle, thousands of feet up in the air, yet, his motorcycle lands on its wheels, peeling out. CHUCK NORRIS leaps off his motorcycle and begins roundhouse kicking the sh&^%T out of everything in sight until all is broken down to subatomic levels.
Chuck Norris rules
The whole world then explodes…but CHUCK NORRIS survives. As always.
I’d definitely pay to watch that AWESOME SHITE….wouldn’t you? 😉
 CHUCK NORRIS SEZ: Kids, just say No to Drugs…and Sparkly Vampires,
J. Devious, ESQ.
The Blog is Chuck Norris Approved

3 thoughts on “Twilight: The Ignorant Ending– Thoroughly Absurd Fanfiction Thursday

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