What’s scooting its butt around on the carpet of Jimmy D’s head today??
Well, with the impeding cinematical arrival of YET ANOTHER Peter Jackson led tribute to fantasy Nerdom, or AKA The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey , I thought I’d open my new blog segment, “White Honky Wednesday” explaining an important paradigm of white people culture to the rest of you.
Why us whities get all freakin’ excited about stuff like Lord Of The Rings, Star Wars, Highlander, Firefly, or umm…( geee….I dunnoo… Hello Kitty?? ) …and HAVE TO DRESS UP like their favorite characters.
I know, it may be hard for many of you privileged NOT to be born white to truly understand, but it’s a big F’ing deal to many of us happy crackers.
You see, when one comes into the world as an oppressed vanilla majority, one has to accept certain cold hard realities inherent to living“La Vida Blanca.” They may not seem so obvious at first, but allow me, an authentic white man with true “Massa’ Blood” (AND a lot of Irish green) coursin’ through my veins, to clarify them in a few (quick) life examples.
How often do you hear someone say, “Hey man, did you see awesome O’Shaunnessey win the slam dunk contest last night?? NOBODY on the planet can do a rollercoaster jam like that Ginger-haired pasty manbeast!!”
Or how about… “O-M-G!! I don’t BEEELLLLIEVE it folks!! Jimmy “Jimniy Crickett” Poindexter has just won the god metal in the 40 yard dash, with a BLAZINGLY fast 1:45 SECONDS…WOOOOW!!””
See what I’m getting at? Uhhmmm-Hummmm.
We white folk don’t have a whole lot of epic achievements anymore to hang our backwards upside”ghetto wannabe” visors on. We don’t run 40’s. You’ll never see a little albino boy O’Neil known as the “Irish Cheetah.”
Unless you count…umm…soccer. Yeah….soccer. 😛
So other than wearing one of YOUR jerseys on our backs, what else do we have to cheer for? In what other Universe can WE poor whiteys still kick some A, why, in hoods as TOTALLY tough soundly BADASS as Rivendell…THAT’S WHERE!!
Who the heck wants to be “Like Mike” when you can be like Quy-gon Ginn? (Assuming of course, anybody can even SPELL that shite.) Err…I meant QUI Qui Gon Jinn.
Whatever. Pbbb. 😛
Think all the hip-hop rappers are major Pimp Mack Daddys hooking up with all the women. Why try to become one of them and look like a fool…
…When you can look futuristic and an even bigger fool dressed up as James T. Kirk??
The dude got all the women, kicked ass, AND did it all… while WEARING A GURDLE.
Beat that, suckah!
So now at last, maybe you all will FINALLY understand the harrowing plight of your struggling white brothers. Sure, we’ve been all but chased off the football practice field, but we can still go to practice…cardboard shield and rubber medieval mace SCA practice at your local playground. (The Elfin Knights of the Southern Kingdom of Ashebardsadonia, can I get a WITNESS up in here??? BALLS-YEAAAAH, REPRESENT!! )
Who needs to have a “Flowin’ Duel” out in the streets with the dope raps, when you can have a lightsaber duel (photo-shoped in later) with gift-wrapping paper tubes in your Mum’s basement…err..I mean, secret Sith fortress! 😉
White people enjoy living out the adventures of their favorite fan fiction…because WE CAN!!
It’s a chance for us to be, perhaps only for a single,
Texas Renaissance-festive afternoon the hero or the classically beautiful pixie, or the Valkyrie warrior-seductress we always knew we could be.
Sure, it’s amusing to poke a little fun at this ages-old whitey tradition, but I also do so out of love. I close by saying I am not only “the president, but I’m also a client” of fanboy dorki-ocity.
Really, it’s nothing more than a white boy’s chance to have some fun. WEIRD fun, but fun nonetheless.
Rollin’ Bones down on the corner with his homies using 8-sided dice,
J. Devious, ESQ