“Are You Jimmy Ray?” –Narrated by The Disembodied NFL Films Voice Guy
Yeah, I KNOW I haven’t been updating this blog QUITE as often as I originally SAID I would… and for that, I am truly sorry.
BUT I DO have a little short…ish draft chapter from one of my many new literary projects that I’m working on in my spare time. (Part of the reason I haven’t been on here!)
It’s intended to be a humorous fictional novel about life as a lowly video store retail slacker circa the late 90’s to say about ten years ago. (There’s more of a plot to it than that of course, but for now, that’s all I’m going to say! lol )
YES, a lot of true stories and VAST retail personal experience will be utilized by yours truly (Ha ha) for this project. 😉
But enough gab by me, I’ll let the baritone blast of Hall-Of-Fame sports documentary narrator Earl Mann take over your imaginary inner headspace….introducing one of my novel’s most important (and perhaps mildly insane) store clerk characters to you for the first time…
“Are You Jimmy Ray?” –Narrated by The Disembodied NFL Films Voice Guy
It all begins with a whistle, and ends with a gun.
That whistle, from a certain pot-bellied middle school gym coach who never thought his “scrawny squirrely monkey ass” hustled hard enough. (and he didn’t, but that’s hardly the point!) The gun, a plastic electronic one, tailor-made for scanning.
And he would scan and scan… like no other before him.
That man… is James Ray Loveling Jr, known to all in his small microwave-corn popped world of video store jocularity as “Jimmy Love.” Call him Jimmy Ray instead Pilgrim, and this fiery rage junkie just might decide to shove a tiny prank tube of CO2 up your ass.
That’s just how he rolls…bud.
(He had it left over from shop class. Or was it from ” Race Car Night” in Cub Scouts? OR…was he once …a We-bel-o?? )
Fiddlesticks, I can’t remember.
Jimmy Love is no ordinary minimum wage mook. Jimmy Love is the handsome living dream of countless other retail-polo shirt and khakis wearing slackers the world over…in his own mind. No matter the day, no matter the hour, no matter the challenge, whether it be on the frozen parking lot tundra of Aqua Racinda Mall on Christmas Eve in BONE-CHILLING 55-above, or in the sweltering 77 degree indoor sauna of very early Texas Spring, the heart of UN-air-conditioned in-store MAYHEM…Jimmy Love is there to answer the call.
Jimmy Love is ALWAYS there.
Complaining his pasty white ass off.
When it’s Saturday night at 11:39 PM and EVERYTHING is gone except Howard The Duck and Amish Ten Minute Exercise Yoga For Thou Healthe
Jimmy Love is there…to tell you why your taste in movies is, quote, “self-selectively retarded” and that you’d have more fun tonight milking your own prostate.
And he can prove it to you.
Like, right now.
A towering 5’8 fixture of Readee Rental # 48145’s starting line for years, this is not Jimmy Love’s first prison clown rodeo.
Though only the tender age of 24, in the bed-wetting deformed hamster-eat-hamster world of retail sales, Jimmy Love is a gristled veteran of pig-iron will, with a lean sinewy body, carved out of hardwood.
(Or at least particleboard, with a FAAAABULOUS cherrywood or oak laminate that would make your flaming designer roommate Brucey proud. )
An energetic monster of the midday or the midnight inventory, Jimmy Love never gives up.(unless his paycheck hasn’t come in that week. ) Jimmy Love NEVER takes a sick day ( except when he really, REALLY means to. )
When lesser Customer Service clerks called in lazy and mono-syllabic during the power-lines-CRUSHING Ice Storm of ’97, Jimmy Love grumpily stood his post…for 12 hours straight.
(His dollar store Chinese brand roll-on deodorant however, quit after only thee. )
When the infamous “Tropical Storm Shawnqueleka” blew through H-town and deluged more raining liquid on Planet Texas than a giant pissing baby with a bladder infection and a penchant for drinking Mountain Dew, Jimmy Love was there.
…With Pee Wee Herman ankle-hugging floodwader pants and baby floaties on…for his testicles.
Though his cash register was soggy, his wit was dry and tongue-salty with enough obscenity to make a post-disco pan-sexual satanic sadomasochist transvestite sailor blush…from the waist down.
How Jimmy Love ever made it all the way up to the position of “Manager On Duty” that he currently unenjoys, is as miraculous as meeting a 3-breasted nymphomaniac Hooters girl with a 190 IQ…on a school night.
Although he may indeed be an M-O-D, Jimmy Love is NEVER Mod. Those wannabe trendy hipster people make him spontaneously bleed from his eyes.
And his anus.
Perhaps Jimmy Love has made it to such lofty heights of chapped ass-kissing management Val-HELL-la because he still has the second-fastest customer ring-up time in the store’s history, second ONLY to his boss Peter Saxx, for three years running.
He also leads the Eastside Houston District in customer complaints…. for two years running.
But, Jimmy Love is nearly 3rd in “Satisfied Customer Recommendations” too for the entire course of his EPIC 3 and half year career.
What? It’s true!
During that NOTORIOUS event remembered by all in the industry as “Sissy Fight ’99 ” Jimmy Love recorded 16 confirmed Wedgies, 3 Double Jock Locks, 4 Wet Willies, and over 200 eggs pitched at employees of Readee Rental’s chief turf rival TakeOne Video; famously known for their hilarious fake tuxedo-jacket “Penguin Suits.”
It is generally agreed that Jimmy Love’s record for ravenously clearing out an entire snack shelf of Oreo Cakesters
…. and the store’s cooler of Strawberry Shortcake bars, ALL in ONE single 7-hour shift will NEVER be surpassed.
(Because who the HECK wants to? )
Yes, is undoubtedly true that if Jimmy Love decided to take the long, lonely bunny skip road into retirement, his legacy would live on LONG after him.
Especially the curiously funky smell in the employee restroom.
Though that middle school gym coach once said Jimmy Love would amount to nothing…and he was right…it’s not just nothing, it’s a WHOLE LOT OF NOTHING. The kind of giant sweet steaming apehouse at the zoo pile of nothing a man can be proud of. And you can smell that pride friend, coming off of Jimmy Love everyday, he will gleefully share it with you.
From your choice of pits, or ass. And yes comrade, that comes with a side-salad.
We all know who he is…whether we know it or not.
His ever-present unshaven stubble on his translucent alabaster baby-face and his nappy bedhead Bob Ross’ inspired “Wigger Fro”wave on trislumphant as a refreshing beacon of hopelessness in an otherwise Zoloff-perky world.
And so…the question continues to ring out from hallowed rundown ghetto strip-malls to the countless brand-spanking-new shopping megaplexes of video store glory, all across the land…
“Are YOU Jimmy Ray??”
Who wants to know??
Why, the whole world, Homie…the whole world.
Yes, my little munchkins, Jimmy Love DOES play an important role in our tale, a role which will be revealed soon…
(But not like, NOW dude, that wouldn’t be very suspenseful at all. Oh, AND because I have to get up and go to the little boys room, I just HAD to have curry last night didn’t I?? )
Umm…*ahem* nevermind… THE one and ONLY Jimmy Love…. legendary…or infamous a true Retail Warrior…we all raise our hands and salute you.
(Hope you don’t mind that we only used that ONE finger! )
Hey, it’s something different for the fictional novel world…so there! 😛 😉
What was the most interesting or unusual job you’ve ever worked? What’s your story?
Does “Jimmy Love” sound like one of your former co-workers?
Or perhaps a current one.
What’s YOUR dream job?
A Happy Thursday Night to you all, Network Friends, Secret Followers, and WordPressers!! B)