7 Things That SHOULD Be Bad Luck Superstions…But Aren’t (Yet)

Guess what??

Yeah, yeah, I KNOW The guess what, I can read a calendar…at least, after I’ve had my obligatory cup (or 5) of morning coffee (at 1’O’clock in the afternoon…ish. 😛 )

…And I’m sure you can read it too…

It’s Friday The 13th So??

All Jason Voorhees wants to do is borrow your Steak Sauce...

(Ooo, ahhh, and girlie-scream in your sheer bloody nightgowns along with me whydoncha…except YOU SIR, you’re FAR too hairy of leg to pull off the sheer sexy cinema-bloody nightgown look, now go put on some PJ pants with little rubber duckies on them, or some Depends…STAT!! 😀 )

I’m sure plenty of us have had that conversation today like it’s some sort of new revelation or something. But I bet you a delicious doughnut (with my big bite marks already in it, because I CHEAT 😉 ) that most of these oft-spoken trviatoids who bring up this fact DON’T EVEN KNOW that the whole Friday to the 1 to the trey thing started with THESE guys:

Yeaaap, you may have seen their legacy summarily cornholioed by books like The Da Vinci Code

(And they’re VERY pissed off about it. They told me so in fact …over tea…and oompah-loompah’n’cheddar cracker sandwiches. What? Old Jacques de Molay forgot the cucumber ones again, so we had to make do, cor blimey!! 😛 )

AnyWAAAAY…King Phillip The Pretty (Oh so pretty) of France was like, WAAAY over-extended with his Rent-A-Center payments and his big fat debt owed to the asforementioned Knights Templar, so on Friday, 13th of Octubre, 1307 A DEEEEE (I refuse to do that “Before the Common Era “crap! ) he got out of his debts by rounding up all the Templars in Le France’ and calling them worshippers of Senor Satanicus.

The Poor Framed Knights Templar
“Hey, that guy over there keeps LOOKN’ AT ME! Mister Executioner, MAKE HIM STOP!!”

Hmmm….( *Grinchy Idea here * ) anybody know if our Chinese creditors have been playing their Led Zeppelin albums bassackwards?? I will pay for proof. And for fresh Girl Scout Samoas out of season, if ya’ got’um. 😉

That’s how this whole Friday the 13th thing got its big fat butt started. No offense to the ever-sexy-as-all-Hell Mister Voorhees.

*Chichichchih-ah-ahahah* B)

But the BIGGEST thing that burrs me up in my buttless leather cowboy chaps is all these silly little superstitious tradition crap that never seems to go away (throw salt over your right shoulder, never let a black cat cross your path, don’t drink the water in Mexico, never kill a mime on a Tuesday after you’ve eaten Greek food, etc)

I think we need some new ones that are actually RELEVANT to the modern era that we live in…and yes, I have 7 humble suggestions to start…

7. “HEEEY if you’ve used up the last one and don’t remember to change out the toilet paper/paper towel roll, don’t you know you’ll have seven years of CONSTANT jock itch?”

(Sexiest? Naaaaah, we all know women/wives are ALWAYS the ones stuck with that duty!! )

6. “Talking on a cellphone during a movie will cause a demon cock-a-roach to lay eggs in your ear! at night! “

(Yaknow, THAT one might actually work! They can do that. I seen’um! )

Cockroaches: They're dying to lay their eggs inside your ear!!

5. “Purposefully stealing another person’s lunch from the office refrigerator will cause you to have 3 days of runny diarrhea, and your pets will begin speaking to you…IN ARAMAIC!!”

The Miraculous Jesus Cat

4. “Remember this old wives’ adage or Children’s Tale from the Sea: ‘If you leave your nasty trash all over yon neighbor’s well-maintained GRASS, you will end up in the County Jail, and a nice bunkmate named Joe Earl will slide something nasty deep inside..your SEA BASS.”

(What? I’ve heard that if you make lots of “friends” in prison, they leave interesting “nutritional” additives in your lunch-line food. They’re so very sweet like that. Prison, But let us NOT go to Prison.’Tis a silly place.:P )

Prison: Homecooking just like mamma used to make...if your momma had a peniis

3. “HEY HEY HEY!! If you let your kids run around screaming like noisy Banshee midget crackheads in the restaurant/store, they’ll grow up to be drunken children’s party Clowns!!”

(Then again, perhaps THOSE people will think that’s actually, movin’ on up, movin’ on up…to the eastside… who knows?)

2. “If you use up all the hot water in the house, in your dreams tonight Hitler will chase you around everywhere with an airhorn!!”

And lastly but not leastly…

1. “If you like to sneak up on people and prank them in scary hockey masks, your face will STAY THAT WAY!!”

(Actually, that last one doesn’t sound so bad, I was genetically blessed with these fantastic natural “hockey mask cheekbones.” So huzzah.” )

Jason says you've got a wasp on your shoulder. Don't  worry, he'll get it!
Jason Voorhees says you’ve got a wasp on your shoulder. Don’t worry, he’ll get it!

What are some of your own NEW superstition suggestions that you’d like to add to my list? Feel free to comment!

And have a murderously happy Friday The 13th!!


J. Devious, ESQ


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