Hey there blogger friends and WordPressers! How was your weekend?
(Nah, you don’t to answer that, I really don’t care, I’m just being polite! lol )
What’s going on inside Jimmy D’s head this Monday? But of course, it’s Monologue Monday.
And, like last week, I thought I’d take things a little higher (as in educational rather than…uhh….medicinal. P ) and inform the blog-reading public about a form of human life that they likely see everyday, or ARE ONE YOURSELF, thought you may not even realize it.
Yes, as per the title, I’m referring to an upright human form of life known as the
What IS the Scan Monkey? Glad you didn’t ask (yet again but are still getting it anyway! ) I am more than happy to “enlighten” you…*ahem* part II…
Any lowly employee in a retail big box store. Commonly seen wearing colored polo shirts with name tags and khaki pants, carrying some sort of portable barcode scanning apparatus, such as a scan gun. Usual habitats include, but are not limited to: Walmart, Target, Best Buy, Old Navy, Shoe Carnival, and at one time, Blockbuster Video. The Scan Monkey is well-known for its constant screeches of sarcasm and passive-aggressive tendencies, particularly towards figures of authority and their customers.
Approach one at your own risk, preferably while baring gifts of candy… or caffeine.
Jimmy: Let’s see, I’m 30 now and I’ve worked at Walmart, Blockbuster, Hot Topic, Krogers, Best Buy, Sears, and now I’m doing a nickel as an Assistant Guest Services Specialist over at Rent-A-Center.
Kevin: So in other words, you’ve been nothing but a professional Scan Monkey your whole adult life?? *snort*
Jimmy: Eat my arse, BUTT MUNCH!!
Scan Monkeys are often pale of skin tone (due to years of exposure to nothing but fluorescent lighting.) Most are under six feet tall (an important natural adaptation to make them best suited for squatting down to stock ridiculously low store shelves and for “forced groveling” to both customer and unworthy managerial egomaniacs.) Though it should be noted that some specimens have been known to exceed six feet four inches in height.
The Scan Monkey has a patented special walk, a kind of ambling bouncy, ”jelly legs” gait where the feet and legs will lead out well ahead of the rest of the creature’s body, allowing the head and upper body to “gangsta lean” backward slightly and rubberneck around in all directions, to keep a watchful eye for anyone who might genuinely need customer service, and/or for their natural predators….the supervisors.
EXCELLENT display of the “Scan Monkey Walk.”
It is commonly reported by naturalist observers in the field that Scan Monkeys seem to display behaviors that suggest an abby-normally short attention span…What??
Though this is not really the case. This outward posturing just a deception and a misunderstanding of how the Scan Monkey interacts with its environment. Scan Monkeys are prey creatures, so that even when asking them about such important subjects as whether or not this is the right ink and toner for your printer, whether you can exchange this phone case even WITHOUT ye sacred parchment ( commonly known as “The Receipt” ) if this comes in a different size, or whether or not Derek “got lucky” with his new girlfriend this past weekend, the creature MUST dart its eyes to and fro, sigh, and act as though it could care less about whatever you’re saying, even though it does, and will still, in fact, help you. Time is of the essence, and the creature doesn’t have time for long-winded. Especially from Supervisors, or the butthole “narcing” STOOGES of the supervisors.
Threats to the Scan Monkey can emerge from all sides, and a catastrophic failure to spot impending dangers could result in the worst possible fate of all….being asked to stay and work late, or to work EXTRA hard on the shite SOMEBODY ELSE’s LAZY ARSE was supposed to have already done in the first place. There is nothing the Scan Monkey hates more than having to do another’s tasks. Staying even a second longer than they have to talking to you could delay their escape from monotonous “busy work.”
When did Adult Film star Peter North start working at Best Buy?
EGAAAD!! It IS him!! LOL
Other traits/features associated with the Scan Monkey, a vast “store” of movie/trivia knowledge of, and a penchant for heated debates on such related subjects (ex: If Darth Maul and Darth Vader dueled to the death, who would win? Does so-and-so’s toe cut look infected, hey dude, is this what a Brown Recluse bite looks like, Why DC comics Fanboys would TOTALLY get their asses handed to them in a street brawl by Marvel Fanboys, organizing a “Zombie Apocalypse Safety Drill Procedure” for the store, or which fast food restaurant serves the best breakfast burritos.)
Scan Monkeys are fiercely opinionated by nature, and will argue/tease/play around with one another over just about anything. A Scan Monkey is also rarely seen without its primary display feature, the name tag or the neck laynard…though many species will find deliberate ways to obscure this from supervisor predators with expert use of exterior camoflaging, such as jackets and long hair. For a Scan Monkey to lose their precious nametag is equivalent to a Roman losing the Legion’s eagle, and could be punishable by death…or just a writeup, depending on how lazy or zealous (read: ass-kissing) their supervisor may be. :P
There’s that goofy-arse WHEEL again!! lol
Southern species of Scan Monkeys are also rarely seen without some form of personally-owned cutting tool hanging from their belts (Often referred to by rednecks as a “Leatherman Multi-Tool.” )
To sum up, the Scan Monkey is a unique hominid life form and should be studied with a careful scientific eye; appreciated for the unsung hard work they do for others, since they’re certainly not going to get any such deserved appreciation from their EVEEEL stuffed-shirt corporate bosses, who have never worked a REAAAL job a day in their lives!
The Scan Monkey is the all-important cog in the machine that keeps are your “precious” sales and shopping fiestas going, whether you know it or not…
OH YEAH, And if you treat them NICELY they MAY give you a free crack at their employee discounts.
Can you TELL yet I’m writing the “definitive” work on the subject??
Undoubtedly has had years of his own life “sucked away” in the Big Box store “Pit Of Despair”
J. Devious, ESQ.